Lucia is coming up on the big two and a half soon and I’ve had to get real about the status of her potty-training progress; sadly, it’s non-existent.

I bought her training pants right before her 2nd birthday, back in July, and was excited about potty-training her right away.  And then I realized that I really didn’t want to.

My husband called me out on it a few weeks ago, though.  He asked me when I was going to potty-train her, I said “Huh?” and he smirked.  I knew then that he saw right through me.  He said, “I know she’s the baby, your baby, but… it’s time.”

On the one hand, I joke around that I can’t wait for my youngest to be out of diapers.  I feel like it would be such a milestone and also, so much easier on me not having to change diapers. We just got Lucy to not play with her poop- I’m talking playing with it like it was Play-Doh, smearing it on the walls and everything) and THAT was a milestone. But, it also means that I officially won’t have a baby anymore.  I was just thinking the other day that this will be the first Christmas in seven years that we won’t have a baby (non-diaper wearing) in the house and it completely devastated me.

But, I’m nutty because the thought of having a baby all over again actually makes me physically sick (hey, I’ve had 3 so, “been there done that.”) I love that my girls sleep through the night (most nights), I love that I don’t have to obsess about them choking on small things (at least not as much) and I love watching them grow and become more independent each day. I look forward to some relief from the work that comes from small babies- it’s constant, exhausting and I truly don’t miss that part. But there’s something about having a baby that will always be magical to me. It’s like falling in love…

Maybe it’s the realization and finality of having my last baby grow up. It hurts.  It’s bittersweet.  And for me, for some weird reason, it’s tied up in changing stinky diapers.

When Julia was potty training, she struggled with number two’s, or so I thought.  She would go to the bathroom all the time except when she had to poop.  She pooped all over herself. I was so frustrated with changing her increasingly stinky diapers. Let me assure you, a 3 year old’s diaper does not have the same scent as that of a 3-month old baby’s.  One day, I asked our nanny at the time, how Julia behaved during the day.  She told me that Julia used the bathroom just fine.  I asked about number two specifically and she said, “Yes, even poops fine.”  I was so confused. She goes just fine but when I’m around she poops herself. Hmmm… That’s when our nanny explained that she was most likely pooping on herself because it was her way to connect with me, in her own special way. It was gross but I guess it made sense.

So here I am today, holding on to my baby thinking that she, too is wanting to hold on to me, even if I’m the one that’s holding her back- just a little bit longer.

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